Happy Fluid
by Eric and Derek
Summary: Everyone makes mistakes...don't they? But Tidus makes the biggest mistakes known to man. He takes Heroin, eats gunpowder and even goes high on an exploding oven! If you want to get as loopy as Tidus or sipmly want a laugh you've found the right place. 3 C
1. Happy Fluid

" **HAPPY FLUID"**

**22ND JUNE**

" I love you Tidus..." whispered Yuna down his ear one night

" Sorry did you say something?" Tidus said as he continued to daze at a blank television. " Foot ball's interesting this evening..."

" Dear, the TV isn't even on..."

Tidus jumped up " what? Yuna use your imagination! They're playing in the dark...stupid woman..." he shouted.

" Tidus, I love you" she repeated more forcefully.

" I know you want me to go to bed with you, but it won't work this time! Not like the time you told me that there was a giant piece of candy floss under the bed just so I would go into the bedroom...no-hey, not gonna work tonight" he stated with his mouth full of popcorn.

" No! I attempting to persuade you to see my parents...they insist you meet them."

" Yuna, Yuna, Yuna...didn't I tell you you're little plan won't work..." it took a while to register " they want me to meet them?...I'm...honored...meet...me...mmm"

" Yeah they want to meet you...tomorrow..."

The next day Yuna took Tidus to meet her parents. As they stood at the door Tidus said:

" Lord...Braska, wants to meet...me?"

" Oh get over it Tid"

" Hahaha...don't call me that"

" Sorry Tidus, but get over it would you! It's not like its Santa or anything is it?" she said rather annoyed

" No... IT'S BETTER!"

A while later, after a good 10 minutes of knocking, the door was answered by Yuna's mother who looked extremely tired.

" Hello mother!" Yuna said cheerfully

" Hi...honey...who's that?" she replied poking Tidus

" That's Tidus mum...don't you remember, the Blonde pansy that I fell in love with?"

" No...he looks more like a lobster with a cat stuck up his nose ( there was no point to that )"

" Oh come on now! My nose hair isn't THAT long!" squeaked Tidus " and OH! AH! LOBSTERS!"

Yuna's mother ran her fingers through her hair and led them into the house

" Tidus," said Yuna " don't embarrass me! Keep quiet and smile only when you need to.."

Tidus smiled

" Good, that will do...oh yeah and...um...don't say anything about what we have done with our relationship..."

Tidus smiled

" You can answer to ME you know, don't just keep smiling at me"

Tidus smiled

" Okay don't do that now...it's really uncomfortable"

Tidus smiled

" I give up"

After walking what seemed like decades through the winding corridors of Yuna's parent's house, they finally entered the living room where Braska sat.

" Hello Father!" said Yuna happily

" A'righ'" replied Braska sticking his thumbs up

" Yes, this is Tidus dad..."

" A'righ' Tid!"

Tidus laughed " yeah, good one! Never been called that before! Haha...ha..ha" he said as he observed the disgusted look on Yuna's face. He smiled

" So then, how is every one?" said Yuna

" A'righ'" replied Braska. Her mother moaned

" Dad, what's wrong with mum? She seems sort of, less...mumish"

" Heroin, she's on it, not good eh?"

" Drugs? Mother!"

" On the wine an' all!"

" Alcohol! Mother!"

" Havin' an affair!"

" New man! Yuna's mother!" yelled Tidus

" I'm a'righ' though, teams bad in it?"

" I beg your pardon? Team? Since when were you interested in football?""

" Pretty down, I know," said Tidus " playing in the dark yesterday evening!"

" I don' recall tha'"

" Dad, since when did you become all sports maniacish? Sport? Socks over trousers? Shades on top of your head? Dad! It's not right"

" Don' take the piss!" he shouted back at her

" Yeah Yuna don't take the piss out of sport maniacs!"

" They're right hun..."

A while later Yuna was sitting at the table talking to her boyfriend

" This isn't right!"

" I know, a pink table cloth sooooo doesn't go with green walls.."

" No! Dad a sport idiot, mum a junkie/alcoholic/what ever they call people who have affairs, and you, getting along fine with my parents! It's all wrong!"

" Such a pretty spider," said Tidus taking no notice of Yuna " hey there little fellow, need a hand or 7?"

" This really isn't my day!" and with that she stormed out.

" What the hell is this world coming to?" she said in a raging mood " no-one listens!"

" A'righ'!" said Braska as he walked past " wasup?"

" You know too bloody well what's up! You've all changed!"

" No swearin' young lady." And he walked on readjusting the sports socks he had laid over the hem of his trousers

" Oi!" Braska called back " what happened to the blue haired dude?"

" Seymour? Oh he turned gay..."

" I knew it..." Braska carried on walking

" Tidus," Yuna said later that afternoon " don't interact with my parents...ever again..."

" Why not?"

" They aren't who they used to be..."

" I thought you're mum had always been on Heroin"

" And dad..."

" Braska's on Heroin!"

" No! He isn't what he used to be at all either!"

" I knew that, but why can't I talk to them?"

" Because..."

" Why...?"

"Because..."

"Why...?"

"BECAUSE!"

later on, Tidus was by himself after Yuna had vanished to redo her make-up

" Tidus..." a voice called from behind him

" Yes?" he asked he turned round to see Yuna's mother

" Want this?" she produced a shiny metal cylinder from her sleeve " you want it, you gonna have to pay for it...so deal?"

" Woah woah woah! What the frickin' hell is it for a start?"

" It's called ' Happy Fluid' it's not addictive at all and it most certainly isn't a drug...you want it?"

" Hmmmm...how much?"

" 7,500"

" Potatoes? Or pillow cases?"

" Dollars"

" Okay Mrs. Braska woman, you have yourself a deal...hmmm you drive a hard bargain Mrs. B..."

" Hand over the cash, I give you this. You got it" she handed him the cylinder and he gave her $7,500"

Yuna returned to find Tidus in a state. He was bouncing off the walls, licking the fruit bowl and petting the windows all in one rapid movement.

" What the hell is up with you?" she yelled trying to keep her eyes on the blonde blob darting around the room

" I'M ON HAPPY FLUID!"

" Lemonade or Cola?"

" HAPPY FLUID!"

"This is getting nowhere...what's happened?" she asked calmly. Tidus stood remotely still besides the fact that he was doing a stupid kind of jig

" HAPPY FLUID" he repeated

" What the hell are you doing now?" Yuna asked as she observed the dances that Tidus was doing

" Dancing is cool, dancing is fun...I like doing this because it jiggles my-"

" I don't want to know thanks"

" Try it try it!" he handed her the cylinder " good for you! It's brilliant! Take it take it!"

" This isn't Happy Fluid Tidus, this is Heroin, where did you get this?"

"It IS, it is! It's HAPPY FLUID! You're mum sold it me for $7,500! Bargain eh?"

" I don't even think that this IS Heroin...it's just water..."

" How do you know?"

" That's what it says on the label, you moron"

Still, after and hour, Tidus was still bouncing up and down, but had now begun to sing lullaby's to the sofa.

" Hush-a-bye sofa, on the hard floor...to sit on's your purpose, that's all you're good for...when you get broken, I'll tell you this...we'll dump you and wreck you, but I'll blow you a kiss..."

" that's enough! Tidus...we're going!"

" but I'm having such a good time! You know I thing that the lampshade is trying to talk to me."

" Fine have a nice journey Yuna" said Braska.

Her mum perked up " see you soon dear!"

" what...the ...hell?" thought Yuna.

However odd the visit had been, the farewells had been normal. Tidus had calmed down, and was now walking sensibly.

" hmm... you know Yuna, that was a really boring visit"

yeah yeah, cheesy ending, but it's not meant to make sense. Mind you, nor does "hagaski klopog toshinya" please review if you can, not that I'm a review maniac or anything...haha...ha...ha

thanks for reading,

Nyviay xXxXx


	2. Happy Powder

**HAPPY POWDER**

**27th July**

Hey, this is yet another loopy story by Nyviay, Tidus goes to a kids party, and swallows something that he shouldn't of. ...these grapes are yummy...Anyway, it WILL make you laugh, I swear on the life of that suicide jumper on next doors roof...mmm...nectarines...

" Tidus! Haven't seen you for ages!" called a man from across the store " How you doin'?"

" Ah! Godamnit! Stupid bloody voices in my head again, get lost would you?" he cursed back

" Excuse me? Did I hear you correctly lad? I could have sworn you told me to go away!" the voice said again

" I did, god, for an imaginary voice created by myself...you ain't half deaf"

" But, I'm real, and I'm standing right behind you"

Tidus whizzed round to find a familiar face from his childhood

" Oh. Hello...er...Jagiag" he said

" Aha...the names Jeheya, how you doing?" said the man in front of him " heard you disappeared off the face of the Earth like your drunkard of a father. So, what you been up to these last 11 years then eh?"

" I...um...killed things...and...hurt things... and well, I've destroyed things..." he replied back with a stupid moronic smile spread from ear to ear.

" That's all? I've got kids and everything! My wife is the most beautiful creature that walks the planet-"

" She can't be! Yuna is!" Tidus shouted " Yuna is my...my..."

" Wife?" Jeheya asked

"Sort-of Girlfriend, I'm only with her cuz her dangly earring thing is so wicked...just between you and me..."

" You value your woman for jewelry?"

"...Yeah..." Tidus replied

" That's your choice, but hey! My kid is having a birthday party this afternoon, would you like to come along? Sevie would really enjoy one of his old mans mates being there, come along."

" Sevie? What the HELL is a Sevie" asked Tidus, beginning to do his ridiculous sprogging-on-the-spot

" Not A Sevie, Sevie...Sevemis...my youngest child."

"Aha, knew that...I knew that all along...ahaa... Just testing to see if YOU knew"

" Don't be so pathetic, come along anyway...and bring this Yuna gal ok? I'll catch you later then! Bye" and Jeheya walked off, leaving Tidus attempting to register what had been said to him something about a potty and a Lunar what not...and an oven mitten.

Tidus got back and told Wakka what he had just been told. With every sentence, Wakka's faced writhed with confusion and he eventually screamed out in frustration.

" TIDUS, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING ON ABOUT?"

" Jeheya's kids potty, called oven mitten wants me to go see his potty and take a Lunar pal along with me... maybe it's alien talk for bringing a moon folk to clean a tiny toilet or moon folk talk ask me to wear oven mittens whilst in the bathroom...or even...bring the moon in an oven mitten to clean his potty with!"

" Tidus, this makes no sense...search within your minute brain and come up with your instructions in a language I understand, ya?" yelled Wakka down a terrified Tidus's ear " Do it, come on!"

" I am! I am!" so Tidus searched deep within and came up with the answer " party...Yuna...but still, the oven mitten"

Later that afternoon, Tidus and Yuna were set to greet Jeheya at the party. Little did Yuna know that it would be Jeheya that MADE them leave.

---knock---knock---knock---

"This is it!" cried Tidus " the moment I've been waiting for!"

"Quit lying you oversized dandelion, you've dreaded coming for hours!" yelled Yuna over Tidus's screams of sheer excitement.

" Hello?" said Jeheya as he opened the door " Do I know you?"

Yuna turned round facing Tidus to see that he was waving and greeting an invisible someone behind her.

" Tidus, my dear," she said through gritted teeth " why don't you turn round and greet the REAL Jeheya?" No answer " Tidus, turn round" No movement. Yuna placed her delicate hand on top of her 'sort-of boyfriend's' head and turned him to face his childhood friend.

" Hi! This is Yuna...Summoner Lady Yuna to be polite...but I'm not, so you can just call her...woman shaped ape"

" I'm honored Monkey Lady, please don't hold back...st-"

" Believe me, I won't!" and she gave Jeheya a slap and a half " Monkey Lady am I?"

" I meant don't hold back...step inside the house and enjoy Sevie's party"

Yuna blushed.

Tidus and Yuna stepped inside and admired the posh little house in which Jeheya and his family lived. A deep blue carpet lined to halls and fantastic paintings smothered the walls in every room.

Yuna sighed " why can't you do anything like this Tidus, you know, even putting up a shelf or two would be nice"

" Yuna, haven't we had this conversation before? You know my arms are too weak to lift a screw AND a screwdriver..."

" You're about as much use as a spaghetti rope" she sighed again. " Why didn't I choose Seymour? At least he can lift a sword"

" Now, now, you know he's gay."

" And that makes him different to you because...?"

They carried on walking through the house to see thousands of little brats smothered in chocolate, whizzing round the floor and hanging off door handles. In the center of the havoc was Sevemis, Jeheya's son.

"Now," announced Jeheya " this is my old time friend Tidus and his pet monkey Yuna. Say 'Hi' kids"

"**_HI!_**" said the hundreds of children in unison. Sevemis approached them.

" Hey lady, are you really a Humanoid Monkey? How's my speech coming along? Oo oo ahh ahh? Eee oo oo ahh eee oo!"

"..." Yuna didn't say

" Pretty good," said Tidus bending down " so, if you want to REALLY put on a show for the ladies you have to-"

"OKAY! OKAY! KIDS! And Tidus...SETTLE DOWN FOR...THE MAGICIAN!"

" A magician, a magician! Can I watch Yuna? Oh please, can I?"

"..." Yuna didn't repeat

The Magician walked towards the front of the room where a tiny little clearing of brats could be seen. Cramped for space the magician performed his first trick...the classic rabbit and the hat...except it wasn't quite the way you and I would remember...he pulled the hat out of the rabbit.

Next came the saw the lady in half trick...he sealed her in a box and began saw her in half...quarters...eighths...two hundred and fifty sixths...as you can probably tell he got carried away and kept on sawing until the woman's body was non existent.

After this came the stab a volunteer with a sword trick.

" So then, anyone up for it?" asked the magician "any adults? Any kids?"

Tidus struck up his hand, " pick me!" he cried

" I'll have...Sevemis!" and the child stood up and was stabbed with twelve swords

" Huh, I can do THAT any day..." pouted Tidus folding his arms

After ( unfortunately ) surviving the trick, Sevemis sat back down.

The magician prepared for his next trick

" any more volunteers? I would prefer an adult for this...gunpowder...nasty stuff" silence " Lady Summoner? Can I interest you?"

" forget it, magic pants, I'm not interested"

" how about...him!" said the magician pointing to blonde head sticking out of the crowd...big mistake mate...big mistake...

Tidus

" Me? I'd love to!" Tidus cried

" alright stand up here for me please and...er...hold this" the Magician handed Tidus a small packet of black powder. The man turned away to prepare his ' magic' gun.

" now I place the gun powder, in the bullet...I said I PLACE THE GUN POWDER IN THE BULLET...in other words, _pass me the gunpowder_" he hissed at Tidus

" oh, this!" he held out an empty packet

" the gunpowder! What have you done with it?"

" I...um...I...ate it"

"**_you what?_**"

" I said...I ate it"

"THAT WAS CHEMICALLY MODIFYED GUNPOWDER! YOU MORON!"

" It was?"

" yes! It was! Do you know what that stuff could do to you?"

"...no..."

" WELL NOR DO I!"

This was it...was it the end for Tidus? What would happen to him? Let me tell you...I don't care. But what ever was in store for him, Yuna least expected this...

"TIDUS! STOP IT!"

" It's a giant hanky, not a prized painting, don't worry, I can wipe my nose on it if I want to."

Tidus was trying to dive into Narnia by tackling the wardrobes, drawing faces on all the light bulbs and calling them his 'special little play pals' and sticking cat food chunks in his ears.

" ooooooooh! Cat food in GRAVY! Earlobe ointment, stops your eardrums from having pillow fights too...that's what causes headaches."

Again he was bouncing off the walls like a stupid blonde Ping-Pong ball " the only way to get to Denmark is to pull all the rings off this ring binder file. One ring...TWO RINGS...**THREE RINGS**...**_FOUR!_** I'm in Denmark...I know it! Yes I can tell...the Sloth's are here to greet me...I must speak their language...mmmmmmmmmmmwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwuuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh..."

" Tidus, I've had enough...please leave!" requested Jeheya

" no! Don't you dare speak to me like that young lady" yelled Tidus to Sevie's love bird ( actually this is what I do to my friends lovebird...they are SOOOO rude! ) I want an apology!...thank you...er no...she's a minger! No, these are the Sloth's in Denmark"

" Tidus, enough is enough, please leave!"

Tidus and Yuna left...actually they were forced to...and Yuna almost died of humiliation.

" You moron! That's the second time that's happened! You leave anything unusual alone! You're not three years old you know!"

" oh...no...I'm a bigga boy now...I'm 4..."

Did you laugh? At any part? Even just a snigger? Or a silent chuckle? Please review if you can find any good in your hearts to make a happy girl a very happy girl.

Hoped you enjoyed it.

Nyviay xXxXx

P.S. Shadray! I expect more appreciation from you boy! 3 reviews isn't good enough, now give me 20! (only joking)

P.S.S (Whatever the hell that means) Cyraxis...Cyraxis...Cyraxis...GRAPES ARE YUMMY!


	3. Happy Gas

Happy Gas 

**10th August**

**_A/N:_** hey! Nyviay here, this is the next insane chapter in Tidus's life after...death, I suppose, well disappearance then. After a cooking accident made by Yuna, Tidus takes things into his own hands, but makes an even worse mistake...something to do with a topless mermaid? READ ON!

Tidus was whining. He was lying down spread over the couch and acting like a puppy begging for attention. Yuna had recently scolded him with her attempt to cook. He had tried to mop the floor with his hair when Yuna was boiling water in a pan. He lay moaning at the searing pain on his cheek from where the boiling water had hit him.

"It hurts!" he cried " and I don't want this ice pack on me! It's cold!"

"Well, state the obvious," replied Yuna as she carried on cooking "of course it'll hurt, and the only way to make it less painful is to keep that ice pack on it."

Tidus sighed. Rikku and Lulu were coming over for dinner. He whined at the thought of putting up with Rikku's hyperactivity and Lulu's two-sided behavior. He thought about the Lobsters he had encountered about a year ago, how he had cut off his own toes to avoid them getting clipped off by the Radioactive Mutant Lobsters that Lulu had tricked him about.

Would he EVER be able to live down the fact that he was so gullible enough to cut off his own TOES? Why couldn't he just wear shoes? Or tough boots...or even, now it occurred to him, blocks of concrete? How stupid could you get?

He whined again. Rikku. How he HATED her. With her " Ya know? Ya know? Ya know?" could she not think of something else to say?

As he sat up, due to hearing the doorbell ring, the ice pack slid down his face and down his shirt, freezing his chest.

" IT'S...C...C...COLD!" Yuna ignored him.

He answered the door and knew he had to endure Rikku's pouncing attack. He braced himself as he felt her leap over his back and tickle him. Lulu strides in.

"Rikku, don't DO that!" he yelled as she began running around.

"What happened to your face?" asked Lulu.

"Nothing...nothing to do with the fact that Yuna doesn't appreciate me helping out."

"That's not true! You were in the way!" Yuna retaliated. " How many 18 year old men mop the floor with their hair whilst someone is dealing with hot water!"

"Humph! There was no need to throw water at me just because you couldn't handle the fact that MEN can mop up too!"

"I give up" Yuna sighed "anyway Lulu...um...Rikku how are you?" she now noticed Rikku was running around.

"I'm fine, Wakka's at his CLUB tonight"

"Gayboy club?" asked Tidus, his eyes lighting up.

"Um...no...He's at Ballet. He's officially the Prima Ballerina"

" Ballet? You mean dancy puffy stuff? Like twizel and swizzle and twirl and whirl?"

"Tidus, don't be rude!"

"I'm not being rude! It's common courtesy to take sufficient interest in your guests affairs-e.g.-Ballet"

"You been reading the dictionary again?" asked Lulu

"No I read ' how to turn a Blonde Half-wit into the perfect host in 3 minutes'", he replied sticking his nose in the air " and I memorized every page...down to the last punctuation mark. The book has 892 full stops, 983 commas, and 67 of those-"

"Alright enough" interrupted Yuna covering Tidus's mouth with her hand " If you would like to take a seat..."

A while later Yuna came out the kitchen with the meal. Beef Casserole.

"And WHAT is THIS?" moaned Tidus as he poked the food with his fork.

"It's what you asked for, Beef Casserole, from the book you left me"

"What book?"

" The one you left on the side for me"

Lulu and Rikku looked as though they were watching a table tennis match, turning their heads from one person to the other.

" You dumb girl, that was from Aubrey!"

" Aubrey who? Some one I should know about?"

" You know...Aubrey...Aubrey Aubrey...from next door?"

" What? That crazy old woman that talks to herself and pokes herself in the eye with every pen she can find? "Asked Yuna in amazement " you borrowed a BOOK from her."

" Mm hmm, ' how to make your own cat crap without the help of a cat' it was called."

" Eww!" squeaked Rikku as she sniffed the dish " it IS catty craps!"

" I can't say that this dish appeals to me Yuna" remarked Lulu, as she looked disgusted at the food.

"But, I...It's...I..." mumbled Yuna " It's HIS fault!"

"Now, now, no need to blame it on your superior" said Tidus smirking "I'LL go and cook us up a REAL treat!".

Tidus danced off and left Yuna to turn red. She was receiving disgusted looks from Rikku who was still playing with her 'food'. Lulu was trying to be polite by trying not to mention it, but failed.

"I mean, Wakka...when he smells bad, I MEAN he smells bad...a bit like this crap here...oops sorry...but I tells him to take a shower and he doesn't, he leaves it until next day. Well, what I say, is- men smell bad which ever way you smell them- has a lot of comparison to this food...sorry...does Tidus smell? I bet he does, blonde men always stink, but what ever you do, you CANNOT mask the stench of the male...like your cooking...I better shut up now hadn't I?"

Yuna nodded.

A while later, after half an hour or so, the three girls could smell something nice cooking. But as for Tidus, he was in trouble. The oven had exploded.

"Tidus?" asked Yuna " are you alright?"

"YES! I'm fine...nothings wrong...why are you asking?...why are you being so pushy?...THE OVEN ISN'T ON FIRE FOR THE LAST TIME WOMAN!"

"But I-"

" Never mind...dear" he smiled as he stuck his head round the door.

Tidus's situation was more troublesome than he could have imagined; the oven was leaking Carbon Monoxide. A deadly gas that could kill in minutes.

Next to Tidus, the Carbon Monoxide detector turned black, an immediate sign of-'get the hell out of here, and make it quick!'

A few seconds later Tidus was whizzing out of the kitchen doing a sort of mid-air cartwheel making the squeaking sounds of a dolphin and yelling-"Echo! Echo! Echolocation!"

"Tidus?" Lulu whimpered alongside Rikku

" I breathed in that gas that was leaking out the oven!" grinned Tidus.

" Forget him, it'll pass," Yuna said " this goddamn itch...it's really annoying, Tidus bit me and it's itchy. I swear the lad's got Rabies..."

Tidus began to kick and honk, and sang-" on the palm of your hand there is an itch, it makes you writhe, it makes you twitch, to make it all better, just scratch on wood, you'll soon find out it's for greater good!"

He continued to do donkey impersonations, and then began polish his ornament of a topless mermaid with his eyelashes.

Tidus walked in with an ice pack on his head.

Yuna whizzed round " what? But...you...there...polishing?"

" Ignore her, Lulu and Rikku, usual costom...madness...it'll pass"

" But..I...saw!" she yelled back.

"I give up" replied Tidus and he walked out.

" Right Lulu, I think it's time to get Tidus to...the psychiatrist..."

**_A/N_**: Please tell me what you think of it, good, bad? I'd love to hear from you. I'm in a REALLY good mood at the moment, so even if you think it was a waste of time, let me down..s..l..o..w..l..y..

Thanks for reading.

Keep smilin'!

From Nyviay xxx


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